Insecurity Inside

            Contrary to popular opinion, I’ve actually matured in the last few years. I’m not EXACTLY how I was awhile ago. As I reminisce about how I used to be, I realized something.

            I was one of those attention seekers.

            You know exactly who I mean. Those people that will do anything to get attention. They’ll be the loudest. They’ll be the most outgoing bouncy all-over-the-place type people. They’ll be the most flamboyant. Their goal? Attention.

            While I may still be this way, this tendency (hopefully) has lessened. This self-reflection prompted me to wonder why we are the way we are. Why do I always need to be the center of attention?

            Then it hit me. The reason why I need constant attention is for self-worth. I think I am only valuable if people are focused on me. If people aren’t, I’m not worth anything.

            So I always had to be first. I had to show off whenever possible. I had to be the most spiritual in every Christian discussion. I had to be the most… something. No one notices those in the background, so I made sure to be in the limelight.

            I was insecure about myself.

            Attention seekers are insecure. I realize that now. We are only something if people notice us. But that is so tiring. So empty. No matter where you go, there will be people who are better looking. More athletic. Funnier. Smarter. It’s an endless pit, trying to be the center of attention. There are always those who are simply better than you.

            I’ve realized this now, especially as I’ve gotten older.

            That’s why our security has to be in Jesus. He is there for me. He never changes. If my security is in Him, I will never be disappointed. He is the Mr. Awesome I can and will never be.

            For my “new” friends in Anne Arundel County, you may never have experienced that side of me. For my old friends back in Harford and Frederick County, I’ve changed. At least a little.

            One thing I’ve had to work on is being okay with being second. Not winning. Letting others have their spot in the limelight. I’m working on it, and i still have a lot of work to do! But these verses always comfort me:

            “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

            Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (KJV, Matthew 11:28-29)

            That may be my favorite passage of the Bible. I can find rest in Jesus. I don’t have to act or pretend. I don’t have to be the center of attention. I can just rest in His arms.

Why I Am Not Paul

            One of the most infuriating verses, for me, is 1 Corinthians 10:31:

            “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” (NIV)

            Why does it drive me crazy? For one, it pops up at the worst times. I’ll be talking back to my parents or gossiping about a coworker… and this thing will just enter my mind.  Who does it think it is? I didn’t give it permission. Talk about ANNOYING. 

            Another reason this verse is difficult is that it is HARD. Life is filled with the mundane and non-fun things. Driving in a car. Eating. Sleeping. Cleaning dishes. Correcting siblings (and receiving correction from siblings). How can you glorify God through these things?

            So it’s during those moments I’ll wish Paul was present so I could give him a stern talking-to about practicality. Because, you know, I know everything there is to know about everything.

            Psyche.

            Paul understood something that took me an eternity to learn: you don’t have to be doing something TO God to be doing something FOR Him. The focus is on the “why” behind the activity, not the actual activity.

            Why am I driving in a car? To get to a place, either home or away, where I can be a light to those around me and serve God.

            Why am I eating? So that I can live another day to serve God, and do so with energy.

            Why am I sleeping? So that I can live another day to serve God, and do so with energy.

            Why am I doing dishes? To respect and obey authority (whether my bosses at work or my parents at home), thereby glorifying God.

            Why do I correct my adorable siblings (and receive correction from them )? So that we can learn not to make the same mistakes, resulting in living a more godly life.

            Not everyone can be a monk, with 95% of his daily activities involving doing something directly TO God (singing, praying, meditation, etc.). If every Christian was like that, Christianity would be in trouble.

            But every Christian can do everything FOR God and His glory. This, and for a ton of other reasons, is why it’s Paul who is the author of many New Testament books, and not me. I'm still learning daily!

On a Limb

            In the "Categories" section, you'll find a link to my posts labeled "Interpreting Scripture". In these posts I wrote about how one should read the Bible. I enjoyed writing on the subject, but at the end of one of the posts I mentioned prayer. More specifically, I mentioned how I was such a novice I couldn’t write about it quite yet.

            This morning I thought about that statement. Why couldn’t I write about prayer? If I was to be brutally honest, it was because I’m not getting results. Why am I not getting results? It’s mainly three reasons: 1) I don’t do it enough, 2) I don’t have enough faith that anything will actually happen, 3) my prayers aren’t specific enough. The focus of this post will be on the last two.

            For instance, I’ll pray for my grandparents and their salvation. But I’ve been praying for years and nothing’s happened. My faith in that area has waned… no wonder my prayers aren’t impactful.

            Also, I make the mistake of not stepping out on faith by being specific. My prayers are often “Lord, I pray for a productive day and for me to glorify you*.” That’s great, but… I leave no room for God to fail. I leave no room for me to fail, because those two petitions are subjective. Luke 11:9-10 states:

            “So I say to you, Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you.

            “For everyone who asks received, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened**.” (NRSV)

            So, starting today, I’m trying an experiment. I’m going to be SPECIFIC in my prayers, and I’m going to have FAITH that God will come through. For instance, I work later today. This morning I prayed that I’ll get into a conversation on faith with one of my coworkers. Before, it stopped at “let me be a light at my work”. That’s great, but too general. Now I'm asking for a conversation on the most important topic ever.

            If you read this, help me out by praying for me!

*Nothing is wrong with that prayer. It just takes little faith.

**One of my Bible pet peeves concerns these verses. Ladies and gentleman, Jesus is NOT talking about evangelism and the unsaved, but about those who are already saved. These verses are often twisted.