Insecurity Inside

            Contrary to popular opinion, I’ve actually matured in the last few years. I’m not EXACTLY how I was awhile ago. As I reminisce about how I used to be, I realized something.

            I was one of those attention seekers.

            You know exactly who I mean. Those people that will do anything to get attention. They’ll be the loudest. They’ll be the most outgoing bouncy all-over-the-place type people. They’ll be the most flamboyant. Their goal? Attention.

            While I may still be this way, this tendency (hopefully) has lessened. This self-reflection prompted me to wonder why we are the way we are. Why do I always need to be the center of attention?

            Then it hit me. The reason why I need constant attention is for self-worth. I think I am only valuable if people are focused on me. If people aren’t, I’m not worth anything.

            So I always had to be first. I had to show off whenever possible. I had to be the most spiritual in every Christian discussion. I had to be the most… something. No one notices those in the background, so I made sure to be in the limelight.

            I was insecure about myself.

            Attention seekers are insecure. I realize that now. We are only something if people notice us. But that is so tiring. So empty. No matter where you go, there will be people who are better looking. More athletic. Funnier. Smarter. It’s an endless pit, trying to be the center of attention. There are always those who are simply better than you.

            I’ve realized this now, especially as I’ve gotten older.

            That’s why our security has to be in Jesus. He is there for me. He never changes. If my security is in Him, I will never be disappointed. He is the Mr. Awesome I can and will never be.

            For my “new” friends in Anne Arundel County, you may never have experienced that side of me. For my old friends back in Harford and Frederick County, I’ve changed. At least a little.

            One thing I’ve had to work on is being okay with being second. Not winning. Letting others have their spot in the limelight. I’m working on it, and i still have a lot of work to do! But these verses always comfort me:

            “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

            Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (KJV, Matthew 11:28-29)

            That may be my favorite passage of the Bible. I can find rest in Jesus. I don’t have to act or pretend. I don’t have to be the center of attention. I can just rest in His arms.